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Tuesday, January 19, 2021
IRS TAXATION OF HUMAN OXYGEN CONSUMPTION TO BEGIN IN 2025
The short forty-yard walk from King Street to Young Street in Honolulu is one most pedestrians can make with very little effort or respiratory duress. But for some, even a few steps of this potentially perilous journey will leave them gasping for the gaseous component of air that humans routinely inhale with ease—we know it as oxygen. And for 51-year-old Harold Kushimaejo of Manoa Valley, attempting this walk without an oxygen tank could mean a death sentence.
Though oxygen comprises only 13-16% of breathable air, it's the most important element required by all life to survive here on Earth. Directly or indirectly, we're all at the mercy of oxygen. The remainder of an average breath is made up of nitrogen (75%), water vapor (6%), carbon dioxide (5%), argon (1%) and other volatile organic compounds like hydrogen, carbon monoxide and ammonia that make up less than a few parts per million each.
Oxygen is something most of us take for granted because we breathe it everyday. However, over sixty-million Americans rely upon oxygen therapy or some kind of pulmonary assistance due to medical conditions such as asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) or heart failure, to name a few.
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O2: The oxygen molecule—
the reason why we're all alive.
IRS: The Internal Revenue Service—
the reason why life sucks until we die.
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This is precisely why the Internal Revenue Service has decided to restructure current tax laws to expand personal income tax to include a "Natural Living Tax" component that adds a "fair living element" determination based on how much oxygen one breathes over the course of any given tax year.
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"This is a real chance for the American taxpayer to finally show some appreciation and help cover some of the so-called fiscally irresponsible behavior of Wall Street and the wealthy," said President Donald Trump last night in a private address to a crowd of the last twenty-seven senior citizens who support him—all in attendance for bingo night at the Whispering Soft Pinewood Convalescent Home in Clearwater, Florida. Most of the bingo players had no idea who the President was or that he was just impeached for the second time, much less that he would be there giving a speech or could speak without the use of an interpreter. The President added, "We all know that life on Earth wouldn't be possible without the maverick courage of rich and powerful people like yours truly. And never forget—you're very special. I love you. And I really need your love right now."
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When addressing the one reporter who turned up for the "event", Trump justified the tax one more time, "These, you know, old fragile senior types, are exactly—exactly—the demographic we need on board to make this air tax thingy fly. I mean, look at them. Half are sucking up all that good tanked air. That's my air—our air. And what, they get to skate along without paying any taxes whatsoever for that luxury? I don't think so. We just need to even the playing field a little, that's all. No offense to all the buffers and biddies out there."
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Cover image from the "'Natural Living Tax" brochure from the IRS.
"The IRS just wants to make life more easy and fair for all Americans."
Physically active people such as athletes, sex-workers and human traffickers decried this recent announcement by the IRS as "just another corrupt government scam" that now unfairly charges people for making a simple living—or simply living. Similarly, people with pulmonary disorders are worried that their already expensive air will become out of reach for sustaining their very existence.
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Kushimaejo, who already pays upwards of $6,000 a year for his oxygen, offered his take, "I'd rather the government just shoot us in the head and be up front rather than try to push our heads under the water slowly until we drown. Either we just resign ourselves to sucking off donkeys for the rest of our lives and let them do this to us. . . or we all rise up and put an end to this bullshit. I use a whole fucking tank every time I whack off. What's next—tax my jizz?"
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And Kushimaejo is certainly not alone. With oxygen costing anywhere from $800 to $500,000 per year for anyone who might find themselves in need of pulmonary assistance, taking a breath is already out of reach for many. The Natural Living Tax will invariably push many over the edge. The pulmonary advocacy group Breathers Without Borders has stepped in, proclaiming that anyone requiring oxygen therapy to survive should obviously be exempt from effects of the proposed tax law reform, especially if they masturbate a lot.
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When asked if everyone would have to cough up cash to pay the O2 add-on, Kenneth "Kyndra" Cudrado, official press secretary for the IRS, set the record straight, "Child, if you breathing, then Child, you paying."
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IRS Press Secretary Kenneth "Kendra" Cudrado gleefully explaining the new oxygen tax law.
The initial backlash from the Natural Living Tax announcement at their recent Washington D.C. press conference caused attorneys for the IRS to rework the language of the newly proposed tax reform law to now include $5 rebate coupons for popular mainstream restaurants and retail stores like the 99 Cent Store, KFC, Ross and 711—only for taxpayers who comply with the new laws and actually pay the oxygen tax.
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Activist and actor George Clooney echoed the sentiment of many who were interviewed about the newly proposed tax reforms. When asked what he thought of an oxygen tax, he replied, "Go fuck yourself, asshole."
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The IRS announcement has triggered a wave of unexpected responses. This past week, professional sports teams saw an increase in early retirements and a decline in sponsorship and ad revenue. Worldwide, China and Russia ramped up military spending in anticipation of America's inevitable decline and drug cartels have abandoned the promotion of cocaine and crystal meth in lieu of expanding its black market focus on oxygen tank production and avocado cultivation.
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Incarcerated former Sinaloa drug cartel kingpin Chapo Guzman offered a final thought, "It's not America's freedom but its entitlement that makes it do stupid things over and over again. But it's fun to watch idiots."